I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
