i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
