i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
