Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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