You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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