Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
