I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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