Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
