so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
