just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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