I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
