I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
