Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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