i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
now i know why i became what i already was.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize