I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
