I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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