It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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