Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
