I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
