I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So apparently I’m into choking now
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
