You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize