after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I did not marry a roomba.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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