Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
