At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
