There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize