her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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