u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
