8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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