my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
