nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
