I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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