hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize