I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
