I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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