Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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