Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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