I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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