Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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