Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
