dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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