Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
