i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Randomize
