i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize