new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
