i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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