Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
