I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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