Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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