I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize