my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
