Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
