I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
