small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
