I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
