I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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