Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
