quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
