How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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