i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
