alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
