My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
