There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
