I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
