Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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