If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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