Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
