We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
